For many people addicted to drugs or alcohol, recovery begins when they enter a treatment center and rid their bodies of toxic chemicals during detox. As the harmful substances are flushed away, their bodies are slowly restored to a physiological and neurochemical balance. As treatment continues, the person examines all aspects of their life, including their relationships. They learn what a healthy relationship looks like and how to foster it. They also learn that removing toxic people from their life is just as important as removing the chemical toxins from their body.
What is a Toxic Relationship?
Any kind of relationship where a harmful or negative dynamic exists between two people is a toxic relationship. Usually, one person is manipulative or abusive to the other. This person takes advantage of the other and dominates the relationship using judgment, criticism, oppression, or force. Although anyone can find themselves in a toxic relationship, people with low self-esteem are particularly susceptible. Unfortunately, many people will put up with anything because they want to feel loved.
When a person is in active addiction, they tend to use drama, lies, and manipulation as part of their everyday life. In this way, it’s often the person who is addicted who is the toxic person in a relationship. But once that person enters recovery and begins to repair relationships, they may realize that certain people in their lives still trigger their desire to use. While we can’t blame others for our problems, we can learn to recognize when a certain person consistently drags us down.
This person may be:
- Physically, mentally, or verbally abusive
- A bad influence because they take part in dangerous and destructive activities such as binge drinking or drug abuse
- Depressing, emotionally draining, self-centered, or self-absorbed
- Exhibiting back-stabbing, sneaky, or con-like behavior
- Violating boundaries, starting trouble
- Quick and eager to point out flaws, overly critical, undependable, or unreliable
People can change, and forgiveness goes a long way. That said, if a person continues to display one or more of the above characteristics and seems incapable of or unwilling to modify their behavior, it’s time to think about ending the relationship.
Tips on Ending a Toxic Relationship
Ending a relationship can be difficult and even frightening. But if ending it will protect your sobriety and your well-being, the benefits will outweigh the costs. When you’re ready to have a conversation with someone about their behavior, consider the following tips:
- Be ready: Expect the person to make excuses, lie, and do whatever they have to do to avoid taking any responsibility for how they behave. Do not let them play the victim.
- Be honest and stay strong: Tell the person how their behavior is affecting you and clearly explain what you are going to do to reduce contact with them. Try not to get emotional.
- Plan what you will say: Knowing ahead what you are going to say will reduce your anxiousness. Consider rehearsing your talking points with a good friend or a therapist. If you meet in person, go to a public place. If you are too uneasy or shy to meet in person, a letter or email may be best.
- Set and keep healthy boundaries: Removing someone from your life means cutting as many ties as possible. Think about the boundaries you need to set and then stick to them. For example, make sure any mutual friends know they should not invite you both to a function, avoid going to places you know the other person frequents, or block them from your phone and social media accounts.
- Stick with your decision: Once you have made the decision to remove a toxic person from your life, stay with your plan. You may feel many different emotions, such as sadness, guilt, anger, relief, and shame. Just remember, you made the decision for a reason. If they want back into your life, consider how you will respond. Will you require that they see a therapist or that you see a therapist together? Will you limit the amount of time you are with them and leave as soon as they display a particular behavior?
- Be accountable to someone: Talk to a family member or a friend in your support system, and ask them to help you maintain your boundaries and your perspective.
Ideally, when you need to end a toxic relationship, you will have the opportunity to talk to the person and explain why you have to end the relationship. However, if that conversation is too emotionally charged and in danger of threatening your sobriety, you do not have any obligation to explain yourself.
If You Need Help
If you or a loved one is struggling with an addiction to drugs or alcohol, help is available. Call and speak to one of our addiction professionals at Canyon Vista Recovery Center, in Mesa, Arizona. We will answer your questions and help you begin your journey to recovery.
